dear you, love me

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." -- Judy Garland

Posts tagged depression

60 notes

heyitsharper:

I didn’t write that.  My boyfriend did.  Normally I don’t like him looking at my phone, let alone texting people with it.
Of course, I was too busy bleeding out in a hospital to know or care.
———
[trigger warning. here be dragons.  scroll past if need be]
———
Suicide ideation and attempts are not unfamiliar territory for me.  That’s embarrassing to admit, but important to say.  That voice in my head, goading me towards death, has been a near-constant companion  of mine for at least three years.  It speaks up almost every day.  
“Go to the roof and jump off,” I’ll think while waiting for an audition.
“You could always just give up,” it tells me as I reach for the alarm clock.
“No one would miss you,” I say to myself, waiting for the light to change.
It’s a small voice, most of the time.  I ignore it. I reason against it.  I take medicine and go to therapy and create safe situations for myself.  I manage.  I thrive, even.  Most people in my life probably have no idea that this is something I struggle with.  
Sometimes, however, the voice is very loud.  Sometimes, I get scared.  Sometimes, I forget that I have friends who value me, and a boyfriend who loves me, a career I’m proud of, and every reason in the world to want to live.
Sometimes, I forget that there’s always another option.

I found myself the victim of a lot of hate recently, and I thought it was something I could deal with. After all, I work in a business that values a thick skin, and mine is usually just as good as anyone’s.  This particular instance, though, escalated far beyond what I could handle.  Forum threads, chatrooms, and private messages sought to hurt and discredit me.  Other people received messages that called me a liar or evil, and the friends who tried to stand up for me became targets themselves of the same kind of hate.  I felt demonized and humiliated at every turn.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was afraid to check my phone or my email, afraid to go online, and afraid to be anywhere other than in the darkest corner of my bedroom.  I cried, constantly.  
It got bad.  Bad enough for me to do something I shouldn’t have done.  And you know what?  They’ll probably forget about it in four weeks while i won’t be able to.  I’ll probably have these scars for the rest of my life to remind me of the time people who didn’t even know me hurt me so badly that I saw no other way to escape the pain other than killing myself.  I’ll have to look at these scars, and the others that I’ve given myself, and the invisible ones that are deep inside my heart that no one else can feel or see, and I’ll see a road map of every time I ever felt worthless, every time I felt as if there was no way out and no one who cared.  I’ll have to look at them, and try to move past it.  
I feel lucky.  Lucky that my boyfriend came home early.  Lucky that I hadn’t died on my way to the hospital.  Lucky that I didn’t put an end to a life that I know will be extraordinary and wonderful.  I know that other people are not so lucky.  If this ever happens to me again, I may not be either.  
Be kind to one another, guys.  Be gracious and respectful and open to offering forgiveness.  You can’t know what’s going on in someone else’s life.  Tell someone that you love them.  And please (please, self): reach out to someone if you ever come to doubt yourself.  
I hope that if I ever find myself venturing down this road again, I’ll read this.  So I’m going to remind myself, right now, that i am loved.  I’m going to remind myself to accept each extended hand that is offered to pull me from the depths of my depression when I don’t have the strength to escape.  Call your sister.  Call your boyfriend.  No matter how bad today gets, by tomorrow, today will have ended.  
Please, don’t give up.  I’m so glad that you’re still here.

I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re still here. I love you.

heyitsharper:

I didn’t write that.  My boyfriend did.  Normally I don’t like him looking at my phone, let alone texting people with it.

Of course, I was too busy bleeding out in a hospital to know or care.

———

[trigger warning. here be dragons.  scroll past if need be]

———

Suicide ideation and attempts are not unfamiliar territory for me.  That’s embarrassing to admit, but important to say.  That voice in my head, goading me towards death, has been a near-constant companion  of mine for at least three years.  It speaks up almost every day.  

“Go to the roof and jump off,” I’ll think while waiting for an audition.

“You could always just give up,” it tells me as I reach for the alarm clock.

“No one would miss you,” I say to myself, waiting for the light to change.

It’s a small voice, most of the time.  I ignore it. I reason against it.  I take medicine and go to therapy and create safe situations for myself.  I manage.  I thrive, even.  Most people in my life probably have no idea that this is something I struggle with.  

Sometimes, however, the voice is very loud.  Sometimes, I get scared.  Sometimes, I forget that I have friends who value me, and a boyfriend who loves me, a career I’m proud of, and every reason in the world to want to live.

Sometimes, I forget that there’s always another option.

earlier that day

I found myself the victim of a lot of hate recently, and I thought it was something I could deal with. After all, I work in a business that values a thick skin, and mine is usually just as good as anyone’s.  This particular instance, though, escalated far beyond what I could handle.  Forum threads, chatrooms, and private messages sought to hurt and discredit me.  Other people received messages that called me a liar or evil, and the friends who tried to stand up for me became targets themselves of the same kind of hate.  I felt demonized and humiliated at every turn.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was afraid to check my phone or my email, afraid to go online, and afraid to be anywhere other than in the darkest corner of my bedroom.  I cried, constantly.  

It got bad.  Bad enough for me to do something I shouldn’t have done.  And you know what?  They’ll probably forget about it in four weeks while i won’t be able to.  I’ll probably have these scars for the rest of my life to remind me of the time people who didn’t even know me hurt me so badly that I saw no other way to escape the pain other than killing myself.  I’ll have to look at these scars, and the others that I’ve given myself, and the invisible ones that are deep inside my heart that no one else can feel or see, and I’ll see a road map of every time I ever felt worthless, every time I felt as if there was no way out and no one who cared.  I’ll have to look at them, and try to move past it.  

I feel lucky.  Lucky that my boyfriend came home early.  Lucky that I hadn’t died on my way to the hospital.  Lucky that I didn’t put an end to a life that I know will be extraordinary and wonderful.  I know that other people are not so lucky.  If this ever happens to me again, I may not be either.  

Be kind to one another, guys.  Be gracious and respectful and open to offering forgiveness.  You can’t know what’s going on in someone else’s life.  Tell someone that you love them.  And please (please, self): reach out to someone if you ever come to doubt yourself.  

I hope that if I ever find myself venturing down this road again, I’ll read this.  So I’m going to remind myself, right now, that i am loved.  I’m going to remind myself to accept each extended hand that is offered to pull me from the depths of my depression when I don’t have the strength to escape.  Call your sister.  Call your boyfriend.  No matter how bad today gets, by tomorrow, today will have ended.  

Please, don’t give up.  I’m so glad that you’re still here.

I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re still here. I love you.

Filed under love depression suicide self harm bullying cyberbullying twloha help mental illness be kind

1 note

I heart…

dear you,

happy Wednesday! take a minute to remind yourself how wonderful you are. you have so many unique, amazing, beautiful things about you. it’s easy to forget those things, especially if other people try to convince you otherwise, so take a minute to remember.

think of one thing you love about yourself. one thing that’s amazing, one thing that’s beautiful, one thing that you’re proud of, one thing you wouldn’t change for the world. or if that’s too hard right now, think of one thing that you kind of like. one thing that’s alright, one thing you think isn’t so bad.

write it down. write it here, write it on your blog, write it on your bathroom mirror, write it on a notebook by your bedstand. but write it down somewhere. write it, remember it, treasure it, believe it.

love, me

PS, what do you love about yourself?

Filed under i heart... wednesday you're amazing i love you self-worth self-image body-image beautiful self-esteem love depression

0 notes

I heart…

dear you,

happy Wednesday! take a minute to remind yourself how wonderful you are. you have so many unique, amazing, beautiful things about you. it’s easy to forget those things, especially if other people try to convince you otherwise, so take a minute to remember.

think of one thing you love about yourself. one thing that’s amazing, one thing that’s beautiful, one thing that you’re proud of, one thing you wouldn’t change for the world. or if that’s too hard right now, think of one thing that you kind of like. one thing that’s alright, one thing you think isn’t so bad.

write it down. write it here, write it on your blog, write it on your bathroom mirror, write it on a notebook by your bedstand. but write it down somewhere. write it, remember it, treasure it, believe it.

love, me

PS, what do you love about yourself?

Filed under i heart... wednesday you're beautiful you're amazing I love you body image self-worth self-image self-esteem self-love self-hate confidence depression eating disorder help love

0 notes

I heart…

dear you,

happy Wednesday! no matter how your week has gone, take a moment today to try and let it all fall away. it’s unfortunate that our society tends to focus on the negative. instead of telling ourselves what we like, we spend much more time beating ourselves up over our flaws, or counting the things we want to change about ourselves.

so today, take a good long look at yourself, and find one thing that you love. or even something that you kind of like. one thing that makes you beautiful and special and unique. I guarantee there’s at least one thing in every single person. once you find that one thing, write it down. write it here, write it on your blog, write it on your bathroom mirror, write it on a piece or paper and put it by your bedside. but wherever you choose to write it, make sure you write it down. it will be harder to forget if you write it. so find one thing you love about yourself, then write it, remember it, treasure it, believe it.

love, me

what do you love about yourself?

Filed under i heart... wednesday you're beautiful confidence self-love self-hate self-worth self-esteem self-image body image body beauty beautiful amazing depression suicide eating disorder help

0 notes

I think you’re…

dear you,

happy Saturday!

is there anything nicer than getting a nice message in your inbox?  sometimes the message comes at exactly the right moment to brighten your day, or sometimes it’s just enough to get you through a rough patch, or simply makes you smile. 

how much time out of your day will it take to find one person, and say one nice thing to them?  you never know, you might save a life, be the spark of light in a dark tunnel, dry a tear, or create a smile. 

so go ahead, make someone’s day.

love, me

PS, I think you’re beautiful, wonderful, and worthy of loving yourself.

Filed under i think you're... saturday i love you you're beautiful compliment confidence depression suicide body image help spread love spread the light

0 notes

I heart…

dear you,

happy Wednesday!

today, take a minute to remind yourself how wonderful you are. you have so many unique, amazing, beautiful things about you. it’s easy to forget those things, especially if other people try to convince you otherwise, so take a minute to remember.

think of one thing you love about yourself. one thing that’s amazing, one thing that’s beautiful, one thing that you’re proud of, one thing you wouldn’t change for the world. or if that’s too hard right now, think of one thing that you kind of like. one thing that’s alright, one thing you think isn’t so bad.

write it down. write it here, write it on your blog, write it on your bathroom mirror, write it on a notebook by your bedstand. but write it down somewhere. write it, remember it, treasure it, believe it.

love, me

PS, what do you love about yourself?

Filed under i heart... wednesday you're beautiful self-worth self-love self-hate self-image self-esteem self confidence body confidence beauty beautiful ugly flaws perfect help depression body image self harm

2 notes

I think you’re…

dear you,

happy Saturday! try to think of the nicest thing someone said to you all week, and how it made you feel. who doesn’t love a kind word?

so take today to go and find someone on tumblr (or in real life if you’re feeling ambitious), and find something you love about them or their blog, and tell them how amazing they are. send them a message starting with “I think you’re…” and completing the sentence with that something amazing about them.

you never know, you could save a life, dry a tear, spark a smile, or make a new friend. so go ahead, make someone’s day.

love, me

PS, I think you’re beautiful.

Filed under i think you're... saturday compliment say something nice spread love spread the light kindness help depression self-worth

1 note

I heart…

dear you,

happy Wednesday!  today, take a minute to remind yourself how wonderful you are. you have so many unique, amazing, beautiful things about you. it’s easy to forget those things, especially if other people try to convince you otherwise, so take a minute to remember.

think of one thing you love about yourself. one thing that’s amazing, one thing that’s beautiful, one thing that you’re proud of, one thing you wouldn’t change for the world. or if that’s too hard right now, think of one thing that you kind of like. one thing that’s alright, one thing you think isn’t so bad.

write it down. write it here, write it on your blog, write it on your bathroom mirror, write it on a notebook by your bedstand. but write it down somewhere. write it, remember it, treasure it, believe it.

love, me

PS, what do you love about yourself?

Filed under i heart... wednesday you're beautiful body image self-worth self-image self-esteem bully bullying bullied depression self-hate self-harm eating disorder suicide love hate ugly beautiful

1 note

I think you’re…

dear you,

happy Saturday! I hope your weekend is going to be nice and relaxing (or fun and exciting, whichever you prefer!) now, before you go off and relax or have fun, take a minute to do something nice for someone else: go send someone a message in their ask box, starting with “I think you’re…” and completing the sentence with something positive about them, or their blog.

it’s always nice to get nice messages, isn’t it? you never know, you could you might save a life, be the spark of light in a dark tunnel, dry a tear, or make someone smile.

so go ahead, make someone’s day.

love, me

PS, I think you’re so much more incredible than you give yourself credit for.

Filed under i think you're... saturday compliment nice things say something nice spread light spread love be kind help depression suicide self-image